The slam took place in Mondragon, a vegan/vegetarian cafe in the exchange district. It was hosted by local celebrity Heather Witherden, comedienne extraordinaire, and Cameryn Moore, playwright and Smut Slam founder. They brought with them 5 fringe actors who had volunteered to be judges. They rated each story on whether it was true to life, whether it had a narrative arc and audience reaction.
At the door the bf, my friend H and I checked in. Us girls each got a bright, grass green penis drawn on our hand in marker while the bf received a rather fetching pair of bosoms. I remember thinking 'what a cute way to start off the evening'. Clearly I need penises drawn on my hand more often. The lady at the door explained that everyone who wanted to participate had to sign a slip stating that the story was true to life and that our pictures may be used to promote the smut slam. H and I egged each other into signing up to tell a naughty story. I think we both had our fingers crossed that ours names wouldn't be picked but waiting to see if they were added another dash of spice to keep us on the edges of our seats.
Mondragon
So besides me, and the poor people I roped into coming, who goes to a smut slam? The crowd looked like your usual Mondragon suspects, that is, slightly left of mainstream. But still, normal. Among the list of poor souls- I mean, brave champions who were picked to go up and tell their stories there was a poet, a divorcee, a man hating dominatrix (did I mention she hated men?), a bride to be, a burly girl, a girl lolita, a virgin and A LOT of anal. Strike that last one, it's a topic not a person.
But before you collectively yell EW! (or secretly get too excited) that wasn't all the stories consisted of. There were exes, best friend's exes, mind fucking, unintended injuries, public sex, bdsm and first times. The stories made the audience wince sympathetically, gasp in horror and laugh uproariously. It was a great time.
If you read the second last paragraph closely you may have seen that one of the contestants was a burly girl. The third name picked to go up was my friend H and, glaring at me the whole time, she reached into the bag and drew my name to follow her. What are friends for, right? I was worried that we'd both be full of 'umm's and 'uhh's and be utterly terrible but H, though nervous, has a natural flair for story telling and had the audience laughing in all the right places. I, meanwhile, have years of public speaking experience gained in church so I was well prepared. :-P I managed to stay coherent and be fairly entertaining.
Some of the stories were slightly uncomfortable to listen to, to be sure. The Dominatrix claimed that when she was younger she met a Dominatrix who taught her about true feminism. She then talked about picking up a guy in a bar and tying him up without his consent because he was an arrogant asshole. It's one thing to say "you know the kind of guy who feels he's entitled to everything" but she broadened her story so that every man was the target for her name calling. There was a lot of hate radiating from her. The three of us were sitting in the front row and I could literally feel my bf glaring at her the entire time she was up there. Mostly her story made me feel that she and I have very different lives and very different tastes. She did check H out though, so her taste can't be all bad.
The story highlight of the evening was definitely the Lolita. She told us about growing up in a small town and being attracted to older men when she was still underage. In her words she wanted "Daddies- grey, old and fucking me". Not only was the sex illicit but it was a power trip for her. They couldn't tell anyone about it afterwards but she could have told the world ... Lolita was a born storyteller and had us
hanging on her everyword. She was also clearly evil. I'd like to meet her again, I think we'd be friends.
The contestants stories were interspersed with stories from the judges. They definitely had a more polished performance feel to them. The best line of the night was one of the judges talking about his sexual inexperience growing up and describing his Dad - He was a minister and was so serious he didn't like knock knock jokes because he felt they were offensive to homeless people.
If you read the second last paragraph closely you may have seen that one of the contestants was a burly girl. The third name picked to go up was my friend H and, glaring at me the whole time, she reached into the bag and drew my name to follow her. What are friends for, right? I was worried that we'd both be full of 'umm's and 'uhh's and be utterly terrible but H, though nervous, has a natural flair for story telling and had the audience laughing in all the right places. I, meanwhile, have years of public speaking experience gained in church so I was well prepared. :-P I managed to stay coherent and be fairly entertaining.
Cameryn Moore - Playwright, Actress, Sex activist
Some of the stories were slightly uncomfortable to listen to, to be sure. The Dominatrix claimed that when she was younger she met a Dominatrix who taught her about true feminism. She then talked about picking up a guy in a bar and tying him up without his consent because he was an arrogant asshole. It's one thing to say "you know the kind of guy who feels he's entitled to everything" but she broadened her story so that every man was the target for her name calling. There was a lot of hate radiating from her. The three of us were sitting in the front row and I could literally feel my bf glaring at her the entire time she was up there. Mostly her story made me feel that she and I have very different lives and very different tastes. She did check H out though, so her taste can't be all bad.
The story highlight of the evening was definitely the Lolita. She told us about growing up in a small town and being attracted to older men when she was still underage. In her words she wanted "Daddies- grey, old and fucking me". Not only was the sex illicit but it was a power trip for her. They couldn't tell anyone about it afterwards but she could have told the world ... Lolita was a born storyteller and had us
hanging on her everyword. She was also clearly evil. I'd like to meet her again, I think we'd be friends.
Heather Witherden, cohost of the Smut Slam.
She is the funniest woman I know and recent star of Winnipeg's Best of Fest Fringe Show Stretchmarks!
The contestants stories were interspersed with stories from the judges. They definitely had a more polished performance feel to them. The best line of the night was one of the judges talking about his sexual inexperience growing up and describing his Dad - He was a minister and was so serious he didn't like knock knock jokes because he felt they were offensive to homeless people.
The only thing I would have changed is that the evening would have been all around better if Mondragon had served alcohol. Otherwise it was a roller coaster of a night. The judges gave a score out of ten to each participant after their story and I scored a fair 8.5- 3rd place! H got a 9.5 which tied her for first place with Lolita! There was a quick down and dirty smut-off and Lolita took first place. Prizes were provided by the Love Nest with baskets filled with goodies. My prize included a variety lube package, blow pops, a flogger, a tea leaf vibrator, and Fifty Shades of Grey. Psh, like I haven't read it already- I gave my copy away for someone else to enjoy. :-D
But what about my story, you wonder? Sorry but I don't kiss and tell. Well, maybe in person. With copious amount of wine. I will say that the bf earned major props. He sat in the first row of the audience listening to a story about his penis and didn't bat an eye. What a man!
Didn't come out this year? Look out for Smut Slam 3 next year! I'm already looking forward to it.
Saucily Yours,
Miss Scarlet
Saucily Yours,
Miss Scarlet
